I had to fix my son Nicholas- his autism, other mothers on TV and in books had cured their children of this awful affliction, what was wrong with me? I worried every minute about what he could not tell me, what he could not understand that I told him. I did everything possible to make his life as sweet and as loving as I could because of this awful thing that he had. What kind of life could he ever have, no speech, little comprehension, he would never work,marry, have children or even tell me what his favorite color was. My heart was broken! Then one day I realized that everytime I spoke about Nicholas it was not really about his unhappiness, it was mine. Nicholas was quite happy if he had juice to drink, Winnie the Pooh on TV, a swing, riding in the car to go no place,butterfly kisses and an extra heavy quilt to sleep with. I am not saying there was not frustration, tantrums and the occasional bite to a sibling. But really Nicholas was fairly happy it was I that was unhappy. Once I let go of my idea that he could not possibly ever be happy having autism I began to see him as I saw my other children. He is 26 yrs old now. Day-hab is akin to the other childrens college. Moving to a group home was like going to a dorm. Home visits and holidays are filled with shopping trips, family parties, and yes still butterfly kisses. I am no longer unhappy I let go of Autism and saw my son as he is happy,healthy and loved. I hope other mothers can stop punishing themselves and know that while none of us like Autism, our children can have good lives.

Cindy Johns
Binghamton, NY